I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
