you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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