What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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