So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
