is your mom at the bar?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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