I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
