Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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