Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
