the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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