Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
