so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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