you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
