Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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