I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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