i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
