I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
