you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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