I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
