Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
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just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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