I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
