Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
