Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
