There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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