i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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