I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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