cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
