i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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