I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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