I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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