I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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