I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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