there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
