I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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