So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
