I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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