Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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