guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I said "one day" and that day is not today
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
