plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
