My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This house was built for laser tag.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
