the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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