I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my liver is dry heaving
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
