I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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