fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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