What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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