My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
