I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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