nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's shark week go big or go home
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
