Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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