I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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