Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
