I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize