accomplished twins. life is a go
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
