After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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