seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
