I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
